Friday, December 5, 2014

You should be a _______

No one has ever said I should be a writer. I’ve heard doctor (friendly classmates that really shouldn’t get to have an opinion), pharmacist (parents who want an easy life for me), secretary (people who don’t know anything about me other than the fact that I’m meticulous), etc. 

But never once has writer or author come out of someone’s mouth. I mean it’s only two syllables. My parents can even say it without being misheard because of their accent. It’s really just a simple word. It’s not even the fact that I don’t talk about with my friends and family. I think the only thing I’ve talked about this semester is my writing (and how much my classes are kicking my butt). 

They know how much I love it. They know how happy I am thinking about anything pertaining to writing. They know it all. But not once have then said “you should be a writer”. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve definitely told me that I should be happy, that I should choose a career that’s going to please myself, and that they would be okay if I chose something else other than being a pharmacist and a doctor. 

They’re supporting the idea that I should be happy. They’re supporting the idea that I have the freedom to choose my own career. They’re supporting the idea that I can change my mind despite being a semester away from graduating. But those are just empty words. 

They’re doing the “right and responsible and loving” parent thing where they support their child. I love them for putting up with all my indecisiveness and uncertainty. But honestly I probably won’t ever forget the fact that they’ve never once said “you should be a writer”. 

Writing is a hobby. Maybe you’ll become a famous fantasy writer when you pursue writing, but you still need a job. We can’t keep supporting you forever, so you have to do something. Honestly, all I can hear is—you can’t do it as a career, so why waste your time. 

Those words are hard to ignore. They hurt because it took me nearly a year and a half just to tell them I love writing enough for it not to be a simple hobby. It was a stab from a knife and frankly, I saw the knife coming. You have to see it coming when your parents are the ones telling you that you can do anything you want to. The worst twist of the knife came from the fact that my mom just completely ignored what I wanted and asked me why I needed a year off from school if I wasn’t going to medical school.

Mind you, this is after the time period for applications for medical and pharmacy school to go out. And it was after part of me started to believe they would be okay with me getting lower grades as long as I was happy. And it was after I spent hours and hours and hours (time I could have and should have been studying) looking up things about writing, revising, publishing, agents, queries,  and everything else you could think about in this long path to become a published author. 

I know it’s going to be hard work. I know things aren’t going to work out the way I want them to. I know I’m probably just going to end up in the slush pile of agents and hopefully eventually editors. 

Despite this, I’m still hoping that I’ll have just a bit of luck. I’m hoping that maybe things will work out the way I want them to. I hoping that someone’s reading and understanding that we as humans deserve to pursue what we want, what we’re passionate about. 

If that puts us at the bottom on a well, that’s where it puts us. Frankly, I know I can get out of the well. I know I can climb (well not really, I really can’t climb a tree or anything really, you would laugh at my attempt) out of it because I’ve never wanted something so much.

I never wanted something so much that I’m crying every night thinking about the way my life could end up if I just ignore everyone and pursue this. I never wanted something so much that I can’t focus in class (albeit one of my classes are really really boring this semester). I’ve never wanted anything so much that it hurts to think about it, about how I don’t have it, but then get excited because I still get to go through the process, the journey, the path to get there. 

But despite this fact, no one around me seems to see how much deep I’ve fallen. All they can say is that they “love me and support whatever decision I make”.

No. Tell me something substantial. Tell me something that’ll make me want to hug you. I need the conformation. 

Hell, tell me something that’ll make me want to slap you. I would settle with someone saying “No, you shouldn’t be a writer” because then at least I can ignore the “No and n’t”. 

What do you guys think? Isn’t it just nice to have a conformation sometimes? Comment below! 

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